PLAY SAMPLE: CAFFEINATED WOMEN

Characters:

LEFT(F) pragmatic, numerical. Jaded adult, unhinged caricature of a woman; empty. Represents present day over-caffeinated and over-alcoholed women.

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RIGHT(F) emotional, imaginative. Child-like, starry-eyed caricature of a woman; constantly   digs her fingertips into skin. Herself. Represents present day over-caffeinated and over-nicotined women.

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DORA (F) Freud’s hysterical gal grown up. Witty, attracted to Evelina. Narrator-ish. Often coughing. She has a whistle/inhaler around her neck, oral fixation. She represented the past-that-is-always present of privileged western women Also plays:
MOM(A) cold, detached, psychoanalytical to a fault. Never seen, only heard.

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WOMAN (F) was once similar to Right and Left, now self-discovery leads to blossoming. Represents the hopeful intersectional and free future for western women.

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EVELINA (F) Marilyn type of perfect, always speaks on a wink. The Ideal Woman. Also plays:
GEORGE’S MOM (F) very fifties housewife stereotype, bad table manners 

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GEORGE (M) - manifestation of Left’s self objectification, smart but nervous. Also plays:
BARISTA (M) total hottie, pretentiously into coffee, afraid of powerful women.

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GEORGE’S DAD (M) demeaning and disrespectful, bad table manners. Reminiscent of Freud. 

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CONTENT NOTE:
The following lines are 80% original writing. However, the other 20%  come from Mr. Sigmund Freud. In 1905, Freud published a controversial case study. It was called “Dora: A Case of Hysteria”. In this study, under false names, he details his sessions with a 14 year old girl. Freud diagnosed her as “Hysteric” due to the somatic, or bodily responses to emotional distress. Her bodily responses included oral fixations, uncontrollable coughing, temper tantrums and depressive episodes. The emotional distress was caused by a sexual assault from her father’s best friend. Since she was a child, she didn’t need to give permission to write about their private sessions, only her father did.

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Throughout this play you may not be able to recognize the difference between the character’s own, original thoughts and the thoughts that have been spoon fed to them by Freudian socialization (ie direct quotes taken back from Freud’s case study), similar to the confusion Dora may have been put under during her three months of psychotherapy. 
 

CHARACTER NOTE:
This is explicitly farcical, implicitly serious. The word ‘know’ should always be stressed and punching. Left and Right share a life. Woman exists out of a body. Iced Coffee should be in sippy cups.

 

SCENE: The Gym P. 1
*Degrading Song* It’s Jazzercise. Competitive. WOMAN is the instructor. 

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RIGHT
I should really start drinking a pre-workout shake. BCAAs or something.

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LEFT
I chugged 30 ounces of caffeine before this. I’m literally tweaking. 

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RIGHT
Right. You tweak off the caffeine while I quietly-

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LEFT
Oh god.

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RIGHT
PLOT TO SEDUCE THE BARISTA. Haha. That’s what I’m tweaking off of-

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LEFT
BCAAs can’t do that.

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RIGHT
UGHHH! He’s got that whole- that, that barista vibe, ya know? He’s so

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LEFT
Brooding?

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RIGHT
Mmm yes. 

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LEFT
Really?

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LEFT continues competing with EVELINA.

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RIGHT
I know- ughhh. He’s got like this- like a dangerous Norman Bates-ey sex appeal- minus the whole murder-and mom... Ugh, his eyes just say “I can fuh-rench (like french but Fuuuuhhhh-rench)  press you into filtered oblivion”. He doesn’t know it yet- but, he wants to fuck me. I’ve amped up my order technique, trying to get very direct- sexily nonchalant. So, today I decided to go for it- to really go for it. I was having a good day- I’m hot! I’m young! I’m empty! Who wouldn’t want me?! I walked in with my fleece quarter-zip daringly undone and ordered. So, so innocently flirtatious. Then I -oops- dropped my reusable cup and shoved my butt in the air for the whole cafe to see- I stood up and he totally had that “I was just staring at your ass” look, and I asked him what the difference between a macchiato and a piccolo is. He told me a macchiato has more milk added-  which of course I already knew, but women get attached from sex and men get attached from feeling smarter than you. (thoughtful beat) I told him I’d try a piccolo because I like my coffee black, mama didn’t raise no bitch. He said he was impressed- super impressed- most girls need all that sugar and cream… but, I’m different. So obviously, now we have a confirmed connection. 

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ALL
He sees you! 

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RIGHT
Imagine the Italian Roast Reception at our wedding- 

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ALL (Varied; staggered.)
Aw! Congratulations!

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LEFT
She’ll be sure to throw my bouquet in your direction. 

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RIGHT
I grabbed my drink and the sour coffee was my-

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WOMAN
trophee! 

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EVELINA
YEeeES!

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DORA
An artist-

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RIGHT
at trapping this brooding boy, I made sure all the customers knew exactly who they were dealing with, suppressing my appetite with every hot sip of his attention. 

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DORA
Nothing tastes as good as-

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RIGHT
Yeah. Once I got outside of the shop though, and started walking to the gym, I glanced at myself in the reflections of the store windows and ew. I am such an idiot. Ha ha. He’d never- uh.. ya

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LEFT
You just have to go harder in the gym. I get it. You gotta sweat out all of the- the (puffs up cheeks, gesturing to her stomach) has got to go, ya? It’s what your seduction plot is missing.

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RIGHT
Nah, I love myself.

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LEFT
Ya, I love myself- 

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ALL except WOMAN
Women empower women! 

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WOMAN
Sure!

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Beat

EVELINA
I love myself enough to be freakin real-

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LEFT
-that’s why I go so hard. I need to sweat out this gross shame- Seriously, 

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RIGHT enters a trance-like state, staring and touching her body as LEFT continues to push her limits, exercising

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RIGHT
My body-

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LEFT
My body-

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EVELINA
My body-

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WOMAN
My body. Everyone wants it- hates it.

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EVELINA
Of course.

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LEFT
It doesn’t fit- it isn’t 

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RIGHT
It isn’t right.

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LEFT
See! Honesty. MINE is Never right- and my reflection is always there- ready with the shocked look of a destitute idiot. and my hair- And my skin- And my defense mechanisms, they’re blatant, apparent. 

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RIGHT
Apparent with effort.

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EVELINA
Smudged mascara, splotchy foundation- 

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WOMAN
Flat ass.

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DORA
The chemical smell of cucumber melon! 

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LEFT
Yeah. Thanks. Ugh. large, too much space. Gross, ugly, big. Ugly. chubby, dumb- big. one, two, three. ugly one- all of these women see! 

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ALL except WOMAN
Women empower women!

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WOMAN
Sure!

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LEFT
My powerless craving for attention. 

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ALL
We can smell it.

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DORA 
A big blob of gross wanting. 

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ALL
Let’s feast!

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RIGHT
Shut up! 

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LEFT
Shut up? Girls like me- like us- I don’t deserve to say words like that. I- I’m wasting their time- their air. 

RIGHT comes out of the state. 

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RIGHT
No, no- well, I’m not like- I’m fine. Right! 

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LEFT
I will be fine- this is all fixable- slowly. I just- Need to lose a- just a little more!

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DORA moves up to lead the class, taking over WOMAN’s position and starting a skit titled: Women Doing the Things They Think They’re Supposed to do, like Painful Cardio, Even if it Brings No Value to Their Lives (Because Every Other Woman is Also Doing it Because They Too Are Afraid of Judging Looks From Other Women.) So All that Follows is Unsure. 

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DORA
Right! 

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ALL
Right!

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DORA
Control! 

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ALL
Control!

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DORA
Discipline! 

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ALL
Discipline!

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RIGHT
I have it all- it’s easy- so, so easy! You need patience. 

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DORA
Pretty women are patient.

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RIGHT and LEFT
Right! 

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RIGHT
And!

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WOMAN
Pretty women are quiet! 

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RIGHT AND LEFT
Right!

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WOMAN
Quiet can’t be crazy!

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RIGHT and LEFT
Right!

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DORA
Men’ll never stick their dick in crazy!

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End Skit

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DORA
What? I’m storytelling- the narrative was getting confused with your bodies- displayed. So sexy.
.
RIGHT and LEFT
Right!

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WOMAN
Alright, killers! Let’s cool down, find your breath and stretch it out. Keep kicking girls.

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 LEFT continues a rigorous workout, clearly over exerting herself. The rest of the cast moves to the side to towel off.

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RIGHT 
Ha! got a thing for coffee guys. My ex, he worked at a coffee place too. 

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LEFT
Boo!

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RIGHT
wasn’t sexy though- he just had this super god complex- that Norman Bates thing. And on him it was totally mesmerizing, to me-  he knew it. Made me wanna mean something to him- 

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EVELINA
an espresso shot of a girl begging for his triple americano approval. 

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LEFT
When I’m beautiful and disciplined- 

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RIGHT
I’m gonna find him, show him my espresso so hot body and café bombón his pompous, burnt out brain in with my keurig. FUCK YOUR SIX DOLLAR COFFEE I CAN MAKE IT AT HOME!
Sometimes I have this dream where I’m hot and thin and powerful and I’m like a coked out CEO of some- something very impressive. Bitchin’. Haha- and I walk, no- saunter into a coffee shop all pissy in a sexy way cause I’m just. so. pretty. and the line is taking forever and everyone moves out of the way for my long figure- dressed in a navy, tapered pant suit- they know that 

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EVELINA
powerful women shouldn’t have to be patient- 

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RIGHT
AND I state my order without glancing up because I’m replying to a very important email on my very important Iphone? 40- plus? And when I look up- he’s there, Norman Bates. Holding a sharpie and a paper cup, drooling over my skinny confidence. Serving me the triple americano I have become. And he IS SO, so- uh- regretting everything- thinking he should have been- uh, different. I take my drink without a hint of recognition crossing my face because he’s nothing other than a needy, espresso shot of a boy.

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DORA
The walking mental life of a dreamer.

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EVELINA
When I’m craving cake or french fries- It’s like, none of the fat- none of the sugar is worth 

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RIGHT
giving up that moment!

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EVELINA
Yes. You get it.

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DORA
Alright, we get it. You pretty girls hate yourselves. Wrap it up- 

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They exit, Left is not doing well, she keeps pushing herself; crying.

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LEFT
I just. Need to. Push. a little. Harder! I can. Do it. I am strong. I am stro- I’m so stro- I’m so, one, two, ugh, three, four, FIVE.